I collect names, and I've always wondered why. Then, yesterday, between sleep and wake, I think I figured it out. Since I lack others to identify myself by, I'm searching for my identity by trying on different names and the mindsets that go along with those names. Misty Love is the cute, silly, somewhat daft, still friendly one. Saga Windstrider is the wise, deep, intelligent, and somewhat unreachable one. Mitzi Dunham is the ass-kicking feminist peace-warrior. Rosalie Blackitt is the quiet, thoughtful, and lonely one. Iris Woodstock is the messenger of hope and peace, confident and enthusiastic in her deeds. Who am I? Why do I identify so much with these names? Do any of them truly belong to me, or am I saddled forever with Emily--the person I've grown to dislike so much--the meek, shy, vacant staring girl in the corner, quietly praying for miraculous friends to come about and make her acquaintance? The one who needs rescuing?

I've said "no more!" to Emily--she doesn't exist anymore. I don't need rescuing--I'll rescue others, I've decided. Much like Revolutionary Girl Utena and eventually Anthy. But without that base identity that I grew into over 17 out of 18 years, who am I to start off with?

Am I starting to sound mad again? I don't think I'm insane. I think I spend too much time thinking, get lost in my thoughts, and I'm still looking for a road-sign back to reality. But then, I remind myself, sometimes dreams and wishes are all that anchor one in reality. Perhaps it's best.

Who the hell knows.

Until I find a road-sign to myself, I'll continue looking and continue trying on different personas and identities until I find Me.

In other news: I've got three different notebooks filled with three different kinds of journals. One is full of feminist, anti-war, bring-the-fucking-revolution rants that are angry but hopeful; one is full of hopeful, somewhat shy thoughts about God, love, peace, and Everything; the last is full of whatever crossed my mind that day.

I should really just combine them. Revise the essays and put them into one proper notebook. It'd be a lot more organized that way, wouldn't it? I'm so dumb sometimes.