Bah. I can't get to sleep, and I can't breathe through one of my nostrils.

I was looking forward to going to sleep early (shut up, 2 AM is early for me) and being well-rested and semicoherent instead of nervous and on edge for the doctor tomorrow. Doesn't look like that's gonna happen, though. Maybe while I'm there, I should ask about insomnia as well.

Until I manage to get to sleep, though, I'll listen to John Entwistle and play Gaia Word Bump.

I was also looking forward to having my dreams. Y'all know how I love my dreams--or, more accurately, the people who live in them. It seems that no matter how I wait and how I look for friends in real life, they won't come to me. Even when I go out into the world and seek, all I find are old people (who I'm sure are quite interesting, but I'd rather like having a friend my own age) or children (I don't like children). And on the off chance I find somebody my age who talks to me, nobody ever finds me interesting. Perhaps this is the reason for my Internet addiction. I can easily charm the people on the screen. I can make friends with people who normally hate and despise all manner of hippie-type folks, I can cheer even the gloomiest person... but in real life, nobody finds me interesting or charming or eloquent.

But I suppose as long as I've got a vivid imagination, I'll never be alone--I'll have my friends as close as my brain. However, there is the depressing fact that I rather like hugging and touching my friends, but it's rather difficult to accomplish when they live in your brain. And if you speak aloud to figments of your imagination, you're considered insane. I don't fancy ending up in the room with the rubber walls, so I zone out and have conversations within my mind. Which doesn't make me as sane as I pretend it does, really.

I could do without all those other things I'm privileged to have, but I wholeheartedly wish I had at least one true, loyal friend who wouldn't abandon me. I've got issues with that, I suppose. I had a great friend from third to seventh grade who up and abandoned me one day for the popular crowd (who found my reading obsession, tomboy-ness, and sarcasm to be LIKE THE GRODIEST THING EVAR). Then I had another friend who is obsessed with a mutual friend of ours, plus he lives 30 minutes away by car. His thoughts center on her and he loves her very much. I rather envy their relationship. I like her, too, but all the same, I'm jealous of her; she's artistic, intelligent, witty, good with people, and she's very beautiful as well. I wish I were more like her, but my attempts to be anything she is have so far failed. And when it comes to me or her, he will always choose hanging out with her first, unless he has some dire need of advice or counsel. Then he comes running to me.

Since there is no connection or common thing between the two, I guess the problem's with me rather than them. I wonder what it is?

Perhaps I'd better stick to Internet-friends instead of real ones. That way, I can open my heart to people without fear of abandonment. I've had some of my Internet-friends for seven years now, and we're still close and friendly.

But I still wish I could tackle-glomp them and otherwise physically annoy them sometimes.