I did a biiiiiig, long rant about Kidz Bop awhile back about how much I hated it when kids sang tone-deaf, droning covers of pop songs. Girl Authority just reinforces my hate for such things... but my rage for Girl Authority just goes beyond the fact that they can't sing for shit. A lot of kids can't. (Some can. But they typically aren't the ones who get albums and television shows. Except that one little thirteen-year-old girl who sang a pretty damn good cover of Janis Joplin's "Piece of my Heart.")

But my main problem with Girl Authority is how they're presented and the material they deal with.

It says somewhere on their godawfully glittery site that they're "never prepackaged." Then how the hell do you explain them at all--"Country Girl! 'Bohemian Girl'! Sporty Girl!" If that ain't prepackaged, then I'm a monkey's uncle. These girls dress and act within their one-word personalities and their hobbies seem to only fit within the range of what one would expect of "Country Girl" (she likes riding horses), "Sporty Girl" (she likes soccer). I prefer my stars and idols and heroes to have more than ONE aspect of their personality presented, thank you, and I prefer that my musicians have something unique about them. You know... talent, like.

Another thing: "PARTY GIRL." Party Girl. Is. Ten. Years. Old. Wearing fishnets and heels. Please tell me that I'm not the only one whose Inner Rocky Horror Fan is screaming "SLUT-IN-TRAINING!" or singing along with Janet's piece in the stage show. Ten-year-olds shouldn't be wearing heels and fishnets, and they certainly shouldn't be paraded around as party girls for the media. What does Party Girl do? Does she go on the pony rides and get the first slice of cake? First dibs on presents? What the fuck would a ten-year-old "Party Girl" do?!

Then I've got issues with the songs they cover as well. Hollaback Girl... I hate that song anyway, but the woman says "Shit!" like fifty times in that song, doesn't she? How did the producers manage to skirt that? And then there's an abysmal cover of Hit Me With Your Best Shot... I think Toxic and Oops I Did It Again are in there somewhere, too. Look, folks, just because kids--relentlessly prefab kids--are singing these songs doesn't make them any less sexual or anything.

I hear they also toured with the Dresden Dolls. Now, I'm not at all familiar with the Dresden Dolls. But aren't they about twenty times harder rock than Girl fucking Authority? What the blue hell? That's like one of the sunshiney flowerchildren with the acoustic guitar and a flower crown in her hair opening for GWAR with songs about rainbows, fluffy pillows, and kittens. With no ensuing jokes and pranks and general mischief and mayhem from GWAR.

Besides--what about the other girls? Butch Girl, Nerdy Girl, Bitch Girl, Girl Whose Personality Cannot Be Summed Up Entirely With One Word, That Girl Everybody Is Sure Will Grow Up to be a Raging Lesbian, Smelly Girl In The Corner Reading Books about Nuclear Physics and Ghosts, all of those? Also: How about Minority Girl!? These kids are all probably upper-middle-class and as white as the fallen snow. Except Urban Girl, whose skin is sort of the tone of a cream-filled mocha--she just looks like a white girl with a tan.

Forgive what may seem a bit of a tangent, but I love the Monkees. The original Pre-Fab Four. Say what you will--at least they each knew something about music, at least they could carry a fuckin' tune, and at least they weren't nine-year-old kids portrayed as party animals--at least they each have a personality that can't be summed up with one word per member. Sure, they were sort of "typed" in the show--Mike was the Smart One, Peter was the Sweet But Kind of Dim Guy, Davy was the Cute One, and Micky was the Crazy One. But they were more than that and were--to a point--allowed to express it on the TV show and through their music (though there were some things that weren't allowed to be expressed on TV, which is why, I believe, they made HEAD.)

Girl Authority has none of that. They're so bloody prepackaged, one-dimensional, and what's worse, I could sing better. Keith Moon could sing better. YOKO ONO could sing better. Hey, at least she has some idea about tunes and melody, rather than using the same general hum for every song she's ever done. (...Yeah, I'm a bit of a Yoko fan. I'll stop there.)

I'll freely admit that I'm a Crotchety Old Music Nerd at Only Eighteen, but seriously, this is just fucktarded.

On the bright side--I haven't seen the commercial torturing my television in months, and that's a very good thing.

Now I just have to get Kidz Bop, Now That's What I Call Music, and the Naked Brothers Band to will themselves off of my set so I can watch my cartoons and crime shows in peace.