I think I've finally figured out the answer to that old philosophical dilemma--"If God exists, why doesn't He stop the wars and disease and all that?"

It's because He is very busy with appearing in slices of ham, bags of Cheetos, and in the holes of your sandwich bread.

Forget little Timmy Smith's muscular dystrophy and Grandma Lynn's cancer--Jesus and Mary have an appointment with some redneck's breakfast plate! They're too busy for miracles these days!

eBay is frickin' weird, isn't it?

My stepmother loves eBay and buys all kinds of damn things off of it--particularly Longaberger baskets. Before the house burned down, you shoulda seen our kitchen--baskets everywhere. Now most of those are charred ash bits in a trashcan somewhere. But before that, she had, quite literally, hundreds of them. Sometimes she buys me cheap jewelry off of there--stuff with fairies and the like on it.

My aunt's big into eBay, too. She got a bitchin' neon sign for her living room that reads "Voodoo Lounge," like the Rolling Stones album. Four bucks! I shit you not. Wouldn't mind having a lamp like that to read by.